Phantom Menace
by Tirlalaith FantasyComedian
Summary: A comedy based on the 1st Star Wars Episode. Viceroy having dumb droid controllers, padawans not listening to Qui-Gon Jin, and a unknown menace lurking to reveal itself. That doesn't sound very funny. But give your reviews and I'll write more.


Phantom Menace~ by Tirlalaith FantasyComedian

(Jedi are on ship and are heading for the Viceroy's outpost that surrounds Naboo.)

Quigon: Captain.

Captain: Sir?

Quigon and Obi-Wan: Contact the Viceroy!

(Quigon turns to Obi-Wan.)

Quigon: I give orders, my young padawan. Not you.

Captain: Yes sir.

Quigon to Captain: I'm not talking to you!

Captain: Yes sir. I was just answering what you told me to do.

(Quigon sighs infuriatingly.)

Obi-Wan: But master, we're both padawans, aren't we not?

(Quigon rolls his eyes.)

Quigon: If we were both padawans then you wouldn't be calling me master, wouldn't you?

(Both Jedi remain silent as the communication screen turns on and shows the Viceroy.)

Captain to Viceroy: With all due respect, the…

Obi-Wan interrupts Captain: Tell the Viceroy that we want to have an eating contest on their ship.

Captain: Yes sir.

Quigon to Obi-Wan: My young…my very very young padawan, you should not be giving orders when a Master Jedi is around.

Obi-Wan: But master, if the captain accidentally says that we're Jedi, then we're sitting ducks.

Quigon: You mean sitting Jedi.

(Obi-Wan sighs.)

Quigon: All right. All right. You were right and I was right…uh…wrong.

(Captain begins again.)

Captain: With all due respect, the fatty pants eating champions would like to dine with you.

(Quigon glares at the Captain.)

Viceroy: Of course. As you know, our blockhe…blockade is perfectly legal. And we would be very glad to have an eating contest.

(The ship draws closer to the Viceroy's. It lands in a hanger filled with droids. The two Jedi then walk out of the ship where a protocol droid greets them.)

Protocol Droid: My master will see you shortly. This way please.

(The droid then leads the two Jedi into a room outside the hanger and then goes away, leaving the two alone. The two Jedi then take off their hoods.)

Obi-Wan: I don't like this master. There is something hidden. Rather…elusive.

Quigon: Don't worry. I sense nothing. For your instincts are not as attuned as mine my very young apprentice.

(Meanwhile, the protocol droid goes over into the control room where the Viceroy are waiting for it.)

Viceroy: What? Two fat men?

Protocol Droid: I believe they are gluttoners.

Viceroy's adviser: I knew it. They're trying to starve us out.

Viceroy: Distract them while I contact Lord Sideous.

Viceroy's adviser: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be with two gluttoners who burp and gas to much. Send the droid.

(Viceroy contacts Sideous.)

Sideous: Hello, Viceroy. What news?

Viceroy: It seems your ears are quite…mmm…dull. You told me that there would be two Jedi not two gluttoners.

Sideous: The chancellor should have never labeled them like that. Kill them immediately!

Viceroy: My lord, is that legal?

Sideous: I've made it, LEGAL.

Viceroy: Yes my lord. As you wish.

(A gun pops out from the ceiling of the hanger and aims at Jedi's ship.)

Lieutenant: Captain! Shields up…

(The men are cut off short as they are incinerated by the shot from the gun. Quigon and Obi-Wan, however, are drinking some Budweiser, and they don't notice the blast behind them outside the window in the room. Protocol Droid, however, gets shaken by the blast and drops a pitcher of Budweiser on the table. Quigon gets up and turns on his lightsaber.)

Quigon to Protocol Droid: How dare you spill my drink!

Protocol Droid: Oh…sorry.

(A gas then starts leaking into the room.)

Quigon to Obi-Wan: Chloroform!

(Both Jedi hold their breath. Quigon had suck in some of the chloroform. So he faints. Meanwhile, a squad of droids waits outside the room. Viceroy then talks on a hologram to them.)

Viceroy: They must be dead by now. Kill what is left of them.

(The droids open the door and get ready to shoot. Out of the cloud of gas that has been spilled into the room, out comes the protocol droid.)

Protocol Droid: Oh. Excuse me.

Sargeant Droid 1: Check it out corporal. We'll cover yah.

Corporal Droid 1: Roger. Roger.

Sargeant Droid 1: Who's Roger?

Corporal Droid 1: I don't know.

(The droids hear a beeping that is coming from the protocol droid. One of the droid looks to see a timed bomb that had been placed on the back of the protocol droid.)

Droid 3: Uh oh. Sarg…

(The bomb goes off and destroys the squad of droids. Viceroy sees that the transmission isn't working on the screen.)

Viceroy: What is going on down there?

Droid Controller: I pressed the wrong button sir.

Viceroy's Adviser: Have you ever enlisted a dumb controller before?

Viceroy: I don't know…but…seal off the bridge!

Droid Controller: What bridge?

Viceroy: This bridge!

Droid Controller: How do I seal it off?

Viceroy: Seal it off with culk if need be!

Droid Controller: Yes sir!

(Droid Controller gets the idea and presses the right buttons to close the door.)

Viceroy's Adviser: We will not survive this if we have a dumb droid controller with us.

(Quigon regains consciousness and he and Obi-Wan turn on their lightsabers, jump out of the cloud of gas and leap down onto the Destroyers. The Destroyers get split in half by the lightsabers and fall down dead. Quigon then heads for the door that seals off the control room from the rest of the ship. Quigon then stabs into the door and try to cut their way through.)

Viceroy: Close the blast doors!

(The blast doors close.)

Viceroy: That will hold them!

(Quigon hears the blast doors and stabs even deeper. The blast door starts disintegrating.)

Viceroy's Adviser: They are still coming through!

Viceroy: This is impossible!

Viceroy's Adviser: Where are those droid dekas?

Droid Controller: They are all ready dead!

Viceroy's Adviser: Then come up with something new!

(A few minutes later, Security Droids arrive and start shooting at them.)

Obi-Wan: Master! Blue droids!

(Quigon pulls his lightsaber out of the door and starts blocking the Security Droid's blasts with his lightsaber.)

Quigon: There supposed to be in Episode 2. Let's go.

(The door behind them explodes and at the same time, Quigon and Obi-Wan race down the hall.)

Viceroy: Where are they now?

Droid Controller: They've gone into the Ventilation shaft.

(Several minutes later, Quigon and Obi-Wan drop down from the ventilation shaft and into a hanger where ships are taking off.)

Obi-Wan: Looks like an invasion.

Quigon: We'll have to warn the queen. Let's each go into a cargo hold.

Obi-Wan: You were right about one thing master. The negotiations were short.

Quigon: I never said that.

Obi-Wan: Well you were supposed to say it.


End file.
